


Where's Mystery?

by Kereea



Series: Perry the Evil-Adjacent Boyfriend [15]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Comedy, Evil, Evil By Inator, F/M, Family, Friendship, M/M, Robots, cartoonish violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26178499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: Carl goes Evil for Extra Credit, but at the last second Peter manages to transfer the code key to Mystery, who had the day off. Mystery has no choice but to team up with the kids while Peter works with Perry and Heinz on a breakout.
Relationships: Candace Flynn/Jeremy Johnson (mentioned), Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus, Professor Mystery & Peter the Panda (Phineas and Ferb), Vanessa Doofenshmirtz/Monty Monogram
Series: Perry the Evil-Adjacent Boyfriend [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1210503
Comments: 34
Kudos: 225





	Where's Mystery?

“I cannot believe you broke into OWCA invention storage,” Monogram said crossly.

Heinz grinned at him from between the cell bars. “I can’t believe you’ve kept more of _my_ stuff than anyone else’s!”

“This is a flagrant breach of protocol!” Monogram snapped, Carl and Peter nodding.

“Actually, there’s nothing in the LOVEMUFFIN bylaws that forbid it,” Heinz said. “It’s just that no one’s really tried.”

“Oh shoot, he’s right!” Carl said, looking up the contract on a tablet.

Peter asked how Heinz and Perry had even found this place.

“Ha! We’ll never tell!” Heinz said.

Monogram and Peter glanced at each other, silently sharing the guess that Heinz would blurt it out sooner or later. Peter smacked Perry’s hand away from the lock when Perry reached for it with a hairpin.

“Did you expect to be locked up?” Monogram sighed. Perry shrugged. Peter tried to reach into the cell and take the hairpin, only for Perry to step back and deny him.

“Hey, where’s Professor Mystery? Is he not allowed on this level or something?” Heinz asked.

“He has today off,” Monogram explained. “Since _you_ weren’t supposed to be up to anything.”

“I said I wasn’t _inventing_ anything,” Heinz scoffed.

“Lies by omission are still evil,” Monogram said, Peter tacking advantage of Perry’s distraction from listening to the conversation in order to take the hairpin.

Peter commented that Perry was clearly off his game today. Perry replied that if Peter really wanted to check that, he could let Perry out. Peter flipped him off.

Perry smirked and pulled out a second hairpin, going for the lock again. Peter lunged for his hand the two tussled around the bars until Peter got the hairpin, for which Perry kicked him backwards…accidentally sending him careening into Carl who crashed into one of the inventions.

“Hey, isn’t that my ‘Make Me Eviler-inator?” Heinz asked as the machine fired on Carl.

“…Uh oh,” Monogram said as Carl started cackling.

.o.o.o.

_One takeover with evil robots and most of a musical number later…_

.o.o.o.

“Because I’m evil!” Carl sang.

“He’s evil!” Heinz sang happily.

“I’m evil for ex-tra _credit_!” Carl sang, dramatically finishing his song.

Peter signed that Heinz had really made the cell door work for him during that number.

“Thanks! You know, use what you have,” Heinz said. He grinned at a red-faced Perry. “Aw yeah. I still got it.”

Perry rolled his eyes, but adjusted his collar anyway.

“Wait. How did we end up in a cell too?” Monogram asked Peter. Peter shrugged.

“Musical montages, man. They get a lot done,” Heinz said. Perry chuckled, nodding, before frowning and asking Heinz something. Heinz’s eyes widened. “You’re right! Hey, Coconut, where’d you get the robots?”

“Oh, we build robots of all kinds of people we may need to temporarily replace,” Carl said. “And then sometimes we just work on some other for kicks.”

“…And some of them are our kids?” Heinz asked while Perry just pointed with a stern frown.

“In case we needed them to skip school for an emergency,” Monogram admitted. “We were fairly sure a large charity donation could convince Phineas and Ferb to help in case of a dire crisis, but wouldn’t want to endanger their attendance records.”

“Huh,” Heinz said. “Fair enough.”

“So…you’re taking over…what?” Monogram asked.

“All of OWCA!” Carl laughed, only for Peter to smirk. “What’s he smirking about?”

“He’s kind of a smug guy, could be anything,” Monogram said, shrugging. “No offense, Peter.”

Peter signed that Carl had been so distracted by his musical number, he’d failed to see Peter change the access requirement.

“What?” Carl demanded, rushing to the main computer. “I need…Professor Mystery’s handprint?”

“Did we even get that?” Monogram asked. Peter nodded. “Oh. Well. That’s…a delay, at least.”

“Do you really think Mystery will evade me for long?” Carl demanded. “My robots will bring him to me in no time at all! HAHAHA!”

“Dude. Work on the evil laugh. It _so_ needs work,” Heinz advised.

Perry shrugged, having pulled out his phone to send a text message. 

“Texting? Let me see that!” Carl demanded. Two of the robots aimed blasters at Perry and Heinz’s cage.

Perry unlocked his phone and passed it over, signing that he was just letting the kids know they might be late and to pick up some candy on the way home since they were low and he was going to need some after all this.

“…You _opened_ with the fact that I overthrew OWCA,” Carl noted, scanning the text.

Perry shrugged, claiming it would be irresponsible parenting not to let the kids in on the new status quo.

“Oh, did you tell them I said hi?” Heinz asked.

Perry confirmed that he did.

“Oh, good. Thanks, _geliebt._ ”

“No matter!” Carl said, throwing Perry’s phone aside. “You’re going to be late all right—as in, _so late you never leave this place_!”

“…That didn’t work, and it was _so_ close, too,” Heinz sighed.

“Shut up, Doofenshmirtz!” Carl snapped.

“Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m _evil_ , Perry’s amenable to evil, why leave us here?” Heinz said. “We’re not going to…to thwart whatever it is you’re doing. What are you doing again? Hunting Mystery to get into a computer?”

“You’re _competition_ , pathetic as you are,” Carl said. “And Fletcher’s a threat. Who knows when that conscience of his will kick in?”

Perry offered to let Carl see if Carl let him out of the cell.

“Yes, Fletcher, we get the joke. You can stop making it,” Carl said flatly. “Now then, Peter the Panda, you will tell me where Professor Mystery is-”

Peter shrugged.

“Oh come on, like you don’t know!”

Peter pointed out that Carl had Mystery’s cell phone number if he really wanted to check.

“…You really don’t know, do you?” Carl sighed, pulling out his cell phone. He dialed and waited. “ _Busy_?”

“So? Wait like five minutes and call him back,” Heinz suggested.

“I’m not going to give him five minutes!” Carl snapped, turning to the main computer.

“Drama queen,” Heinz huffed. He scowled when Perry and Peter gave him looks. “Oh come on, I am not _that_ bad!”

.o.o.o.

As the kids left the movies, Candace’s phone pinged.

“Wow. What timing,” Vanessa said as Candace pulled it out of her purse.

“It’s from Uncle Perry…oh boy,” Candace said.

**OWCA overthrown. Carl evil. We’ll be late. Get M &Ms. Heinz says hi**.

“Who’s Carl?” Phineas asked.

“OWCA’s nerdy intern,” Candace said. “He’s like Irving’s brother, but not a jerk.”

“Oh, okay,” Phineas said. “…You think Albert’s a jerk?”

“Phineas, focus,” Vanessa said. “We need to find Mystery, and then stop Carl for finding him. For some reason.”

“Professor Mystery?” Phineas asked, confused.

“M&M. For Mystery the Magpie,” Vanessa said. “Monty calls him that sometimes, it’s corny. But we need to find him!”

“…Does he have a day job?” Ferb asked.

“Everyone chill, I have his number,” Candace said.

Her siblings looked at her in confusion.

“In case of needing to keep the Major away from Monty and Vanessa,” Candace admitted, dialing.

“Oh,” Vanessa and Phineas said as Ferb nodded. That made sense.

Candace hummed while her phone rang, before Mystery picked up, “Yo, it’s Candace. OWCA’s overthrown and my uncle says we need to hide you because Carl’s evil now. Where do we pick you up?”

“I’m at _work_!” Mystery hissed.

“Don’t you work for OWCA?” Candace asked.

“My _other_ work! What’s after me?”

“Don’t know, it was a short message,” Candace said. “Evil Carl must be a big issue. So, location, now.”

“At _work_!” Mystery hissed.

“We’ll pick you up from work. I can drive,” Candace said. “I drove us all to the mall.”

“Urgh. I’ll text it to you. Ask for Mr. Washington. And you’re sworn to secrecy on my alias and face!” Mystery warned. “Another call? Oh, it’s Carl. Not picking that up.”

“Cool, bye,” Candace said. “All right, I’m on bodyguard duty and driving. Boys, start planning how to thwart an apparently super-evil nerd. Vanessa, call your weirdo agent boyfriend as backup muscle and then start planning escape routes for all locations and making disguises. Let’s move, people!”

.o.o.o.

Candace knocked at the door the GPS had led her to, grinning at the unfamiliar face that answered. “Hi! Is Mr. Washington here?”

“Oh, you must be his sister. He said you were coming to get him,” the man said. “I’m Dave.”

“Hi, Dave,” Candace said as she saw who she guessed was Mystery coming out of a side-door behind Dave. Wow. If he was that baby-faced, no wonder he wore masks and let his deep voice do the work. “Yo! Bro!”

“I think I got the router fixed. Got to go,” Mystery said, easing around Dave to the stoop.

“Thanks, this is just a big family emergency,” Candace said, waving goodbye to Dave as he shut the door.

As soon as the door shut, Mystery slapped a domino mask on. “Okay, do you know any more than you did on the phone?”

“Monty’s going to meet us later, he was being tailed and is going to sweep for bugs on his way in. So, Carl must have OWCA’s tech nailed down,” Candace said. “Isabella has the Fireside Girls and her hacker cousin Pinky working on it. Buford and Baljeet are going to pay a bunch of people to dress up like you for the day to confuse possible surveillance. Vanessa’s handling disguises. And the boys…are being the boys.”

She ripped Mystery’s mask off and plopped a blonde wig on him. “You’re Jeremy Johnson’s cousin Maurice Johnson, from Hawaii. Lucky you, you kind of look like a teenager anyway. We’re helping each other plan a surprise party for Jeremy’s band. Am I clear?”

“…You are your uncle’s niece,” Mystery said as he got in the van.

“We’re going to _bust_ this nerd,” Candace said as she got back in the driver’s seat and Mystery slid in next to Phineas in the middle row. “Phineas, Ferb, got the upgrades done?”

“The car can now fly, go underwater, and has a missile defense system,” Phineas confirmed with a salute. “Also, if you push that button on the dash, it’ll turn green and the license plate will swap.”

“Groovy,” Candace said.

“Who says groovy?” Vanessa asked, looking up from what she was sewing.

“Me,” Candace said, hitting the button to disguise the car.

.o.o.o.

“We seriously have _no_ records of who he really is?” Carl asked one of his robots angrily.

Peter smirked and signed that mystery was Mystery’s allure.

“Oh, come on!” Carl groaned.

“Oh yeah, he told me he had like, three aliases he uses for everyday life. I mean, if there’s one he pays taxes under I guess that’d be the one he’d get OWCA to pay him through…” Heinz mused.

“He signed up under an alias? And you let him?” Monogram asked Peter.

Peter admitted that as long as it was under the name Mystery his paid taxes under, he didn’t see the problem.

“…True. But it’s still very rude,” Monogram huffed.

“Hey, everyone has their thing, and Mystery clearly is into…well, mystery!” Heinz said, doing jazz hands.

Perry noted it was possible to be into a thing too much.

“You mean like when you two roleplay evil scientist and victim-slash-trapped-agent in the lab?” Carl asked mockingly.

“Hey! If we’re not doing _real world_ evil, it’s none of your business!” Heinz said, eyes flashing as he glared at Carl.

“Then don’t do it where there’s cameras,” Carl mocked. “What, nothing to say, _Baron Fletcher_?”

Perry noted that, again, if Carl wanted him to demonstrate what he was being accused of then by all means Carl could let him out of the cell. 

“I told you to stop making that joke!” Carl said.

Perry said he wasn’t joking.

He and Carl had a brief glare off before Carl got annoyed and stormed back to the computer.

“No matter! We’ll find him, and when we do…that handprint will be mine!” Carl cackled. 

“So…you lock files under agents…handprints?” Heinz asked. “Weird system. I mean, what if you, y’know…lose somebody? Oh my _gosh_ , do their contracts say you cut their hands off post-mortem? That’d be so evil!”

“No. We have…ways,” Monogram said. “But it seems during the musical montage Peter successfully locked the system into specifically needing Mystery’s hand and _only_ that. I didn’t even know he could do that.”

Peter signed that a junior agent had helped him to get better with computers.

“Ah. Good for Junior Agent P,” Monogram said.

.o.o.o.

“Dude, this is serious,” Pinky hissed to Monty. “The systems have all locked me out, and I’m kind of worried Carl’s going to notice I’m poking. I’d just get a burner and call your girlfriend on that. Way smarter."

“So…he might be listening to this call?” Monty asked, worried.

“Dunno,” Pinky admitted. “Whoop. Fireside Girls incoming, you’re on your own until you meet up with the gang, dude.”

Monty sighed as Pinky hung up. Well, a burner phone with some minutes wouldn’t be _too_ expensive. He shut off his phone to make sure it wouldn’t be pinged by anyone trying to find him and headed for the nearest big box store.

.o.o.o.

“This is Vanguard Van calling Log Cabin. Do you come in Log Cabin?” Phineas asked into the radio.

“Loud and clear!” Isabella said. “Okay, we got everything set up the way my cousin Pinky said, so we should be able to get into the city’s traffic cam system and keep an eye out for anyone looking for you.”

“Looks like Buford and Baljeet have already found some takers to dress up like Trench Coat Guy,” Gretchen added.

“My name is _not_ Trench Coat Guy!” Mystery whined.

“I’ve got a call,” Vanessa said. “Oh, hey Monty…uh huh. Uh huh. Guys, he’s going to meet us at the parking lot outside the Shop ‘n Go.”

“Cool,” Candace said, putting on her turn signal. “Uh…is that the one by the mall or the one by the Danville Pier?”

“Mall,” Vanessa relayed.

“Oh, sweet,” Candace said. “We’ll be there soon.”

.o.o.o.

“So…does Carl just build all the robots here or what?” Heinz asked as Perry and Peter worked to navigate them through the dark building.

“Oh, Carl’s just been working on his humanoid android skills for a while,” Monogram said. “He builds ones that look like a lot of different people.”

“That…doesn’t make it less creepy,” Heinz said. “But like, I thought he was an _unpaid intern_. How do you not pay him when he’s doing things like that?”

“OWCA has a very, very tight budget, Doofenshmirtz. There are certain certifications Carl needs to graduate to a paid position.”

“And _building robots_ isn’t one of them?” Heinz asked.

.o.o.o.

“Green van, green van…” Monty muttered as he peered around the corner. There was a robot that looked like Ferb wandering around and he just hoped Vanessa and her siblings found him before that tin can did…

There! A green van made its way into the lot, a determined-looking Candace at the wheel.

Monty started heading its way, only to be grabbed by- “Vanessa?”

No, a robot! He shoved it off and ran.

“Monty! Over here!” Phineas called, leaning out a window, only to duck back inside as the Ferb robot form the crowd tried to blast him.

“Go, go, go!” Monty yelled.

The van started to transform, growing wings as it started rolling forward again. A flying van? This would be so awesome if it wasn’t for the-

“Whoa!” Monty yelped, dodging another laser.

Vanessa and Ferb opened the back doors of the van as Monty took a running leap, managing to grab the bumper as the van took off.

“…Is that a robot me?” Vanessa asked as one of the robots sprouted a jetpack to fly after them.

“They didn’t capture your casual indifference _at all_ ,” Monty noted. “Way too driven.”

“Also, you don’t have missiles in your bra,” Ferb noted as the robot’s chest opened up and it started firing. “…Incidentally, would you like a bra like that for the holidays? It seems cool.”

“I’m good, Ferb,” Vanessa said as the van’s defenses took the missiles out and she and Ferb pulled Monty up. “Okay, so they’ve caught up to us once…”

Monty put Ferb back in the van and pulled out a device as he climbed into a seat himself. “Sweeping for trackers.”

“Good plan.” Vanessa said, hopping in and shutting the back doors. “Think we can lose them around Atlantis?”

“Can this thing go right from fly to swim?” Candace asked Phineas while a stunned Monty asked, “ _Atlantis_?”

“They found it last summer,” Vanessa said as Phineas climbed up front to help Candace with the controls.

“Your little brothers are wild,” Monty chuckled.

“Get ready to dive!” Candace said, Phineas hopping back into his seat and buckling up.

“Atlantis? Seriously?” Mystery asked Ferb. Ferb nodded. “You kids really are amazing.”

The van plunged beneath the waves of Danville Bay, and vanished underwater.

.o.o.o.

“Curses!” Carl yelled as he lost the feed from Vanessa-bot. “Flying vans, huh? You!”

He pointed at a robotic Major Monogram. “Monitor all air traffic!”

“Yes, Carl. You dashingly handsome villain,” Major Monobot said.

“I knew those kids would get involved somehow,” Carl mused. “They’re almost as unpredictable as Doofenshmirtz…”

.o.o.o.

“I don’t understand what it is you’re doing,” Major Monogram said.

“I’m _trying_ to make an inator to reverse the effects of the inator Carl got zapped with. It’s not that weird,” Heinz said, going through the various supply crates in the back. “Urgh. I wish one of us had a phone right now. I really want to check in on the kids…”

“We’re lucky we managed to find a helicopter!” Monogram said. “Now you want a cell phone?”

“Kids,” Heinz pointed out again.

Peter and Perry shared looks in the cockpit. This was going to be a long flight. Perry signed that they should probably just try and find Mystery while they were at it, in case the kids hadn’t gotten to him.

“Wait, he somehow informed your children of the situation?” Monogram asked.

“Yeah. M&Ms,” Heinz said, not paying much attention as he was still digging through materials.

“Ah, for Mystery the Magpie!” Monogram said, nodding.

Peter gave them both a confused look before shaking his head and refocusing on flying the copter. Perry tapped his shoulder and pointed frantically at the ground.

Peter’s eyes widened. Mystery—just walking around out in the open! He wasn’t wearing his fedora at least, but the ski mask? _Really_?

Peter quickly landed the helicopter in a nearby parking lot, Heinz giving up on his device and just grabbing a net for some reason as they ran to catch up with Mystery.

Peter got there first, as the tallest, and spun around… _not_ Mystery. This guy was way too pale, and had blue eyes. And blonde eyebrows.

“Hey! Who are you?” Monogram said. “You’re not…the person we’re looking for!”

“What?” the man asked. “Nah, a couple of kids paid me to dress like this and just…go about my day. Weird.”

“What?” Monogram asked as Peter snapped his fingers and gave Perry a thumbs’ up.

Perry explained to Monogram that the kids must have decided to make decoys for Mystery.

“That’s our clever little schtumpels!” Heinz cooed. “Looks like Mystery is in safe hands until we get there to put him in safer ones!”

“…Is…is Mystery a person?” the man asked.

“You saw nothing!” Monogram called as they ran back to the copter.

.o.o.o.

“I can’t believe it. Atlantis, right off the coast of Danville,” Monty said as Candace maneuvered the car inside a large coral structure.

“Well, we tried to raise it, but that ended up colliding improbably with one of Dr. D’s plans and sunk again. We assumed that such an improbability coming to pass meant Atlantis wants to stay down here,” Phineas said.

“How much air do we have?” Mystery asked.

“About four, five hours,” Phineas said. “Plus oxygen tanks and scuba gear. We stopped at a scuba shop before getting you.”

“And that’s assuming Carl’s robots can’t swim or we don’t need to surface sooner,” Vanessa said, finishing her sewing and passing it to Mystery.

“…I am not wearing this,” he said, staring at the Hawaiian shirt and board shorts. “How do you even know my size?”

“It’ll be a loose fit,” Vanessa admitted. “And you’re a teenager from Hawaii, remember? Wear. Them.”

“Everyone up front,” Candace said, pushing a button that sectioned off the back seat area with a curtain so Mystery could change.

“Carl’s so not going to buy this!” he complained as he ducked behind the curtain.

“Whatever buys us time, man,” Monty said. “Even a minute could be enough.”

“For what?” Mystery asked, poking his head out of the curtain.

“For Uncle Perry, Doctor D, and whoever else to come and help un-evil Carl!” Phineas said. “I mean, we could try ourselves, but only Monty, Vanessa, and Candace even know him all that well…”

“I’d scratch me from knowing him ‘well’,” Vanessa admitted. “Candace, who are you texting?”

“Other backup,” Candace said. “Juuust in case.”

“Okay, I hate this look,” Mystery said, pulling side the curtain. The board shorts were bright yellow and purple, and clashed horribly with the teal and red shirt.

“Dude. I worked with what I had,” Vanessa said. “And what I _had_ was the ability to shrink some stuff Dad and Perry left in the van.”

“But isn’t he not as skinny as your dad?” Monty asked as Mystery picked at the Hawaiian shirt, trying to guess whose it was.

“Yeah, but Dad’s taller,” Vanessa admitted.

“Oh. That’s why there’s weird cuts and seams in the shorts, then?” Mystery asked.

“Yep,” Vanessa said. “I had elastic in the glove box.”

“…Did Carl make a robot shark?” Phineas asked.

“I don’t know. Is there a robot shark?” Monty asked him, peering out the same window.

“Well, there’s an unusually large shark behaving kind of weirdly…” Phineas said. “Holy smokes, Ferb! That’s _our_ mechanical shark from Harbor Day! OWCA must have impounded it after we lost it at sea!”

“I did wonder where it went,” Ferb admitted.

.o.o.o.

“Yes, yes!” Carl cackled as they closed in on the van hiding in the coral, only for it to start driving deeper into the maze. “No, no, no!”

Her whirled on the mechanical Candace that was controlling the shark. “You! Catch up to them!”

“We can change the size of the shark,” the mechanical Phineas informed him from the control board.

“Do it!” Carl said. “I _will_ have that handprint!”

.o.o.o.

“Did the shark just shrink?” Monty asked.

“Well, we did make it size-adjustable…” Phineas mused before his eyes widened as the shark entered the coral behind them. “Oh. Well, that’s not great.”

“Understatement!” Candace said, flooring it.

“Well, we do know the layout of Atlantis and he doesn’t,” Phineas said, pulling out a map as he squeezed next to Vanessa in the passenger seat. “So we can use that to our advantage. It shouldn’t be able to get too much smaller than it is, but if it gets right behind us and suddenly gets bigger our only choice will be to get out of the ocean or get swallowed and captured.”

“You’re sure you didn’t make the shark able to fly?” Vanessa asked dryly.

“Why? The shark of Danville Harbor couldn’t,” Phineas said.

“She was being sarcastic,” Mystery said.

“Oh,” Phineas said. “…Okay yeah. Ferb and I do make a lot of stuff that flies. I get it now.”

Ferb reached into the front seat to pat him on the shoulder with a chuckle.

.o.o.o.

“I am sorry, the children cut off wireless communication for fear of it being tracked,” Norm explained into the cell phone Heinz bought at a gas station when they’d been forced to stop and refuel. “I believe Monty Monogram is communicating with the Fireside Girls via a burner phone.”

“The Fireside girls?” Monogram mused. “Hm. Probably how they coordinated so many people dressed up as Mystery in such a short period of time…”

“Also they are monitoring traffic cameras to track for robots that are not me!” Norm said. “I am standing on top of the building and keeping a lookout in the skies! I think I can see you from here!”

“Hmm,” Heinz mused. “The boys and I _did_ just update your security software…should be safe enough for you to rendezvous with us.”

“Very well, I shall!” Norm said. “Oh, a van just flew out of Danville Harbor! I think it is my siblings!”

“Danville Harbor, and step on it!” Monogram told Peter, who saluted and gunned the throttle.

.o.o.o.

“Any other ideas?” Vanessa asked Phineas and Ferb as Candace managed to land the car on the highway and floor the acceleration. “That won’t get Carl off our tail for long!”

“We can change the color of the van again,” Phineas offered, leaning forward in his seatbelt to point to the right button. Vanessa quickly pushed it, the van’s exterior turning red and the grille morphing a bit to look like a Jeep’s.

“We only have so much to work with then actively being chased,” Ferb added, looking at his phone. “The Fireside Girls are texting us the best route out of Danville, if we want to try that.”

“Can this thing off-road?” Candace asked.

“…Eh,” Phineas admitted, wiggling his hand. “I’d go for flying again instead. And we won’t make it far out of Danville without stopping for fuel.”

“Carl’s not behind us yet, could we do it really quick now?” Vanessa asked. “I have thirty on me, that’ll get us some ways away.”

“Next exit has a station,” Monty agreed. “Do it now, or we’ll probably run out later.”

“On it,” Candace said, turning on her turn signal.

.o.o.o.

“Did you see where they went?” Monogram called, lenaing out the side of the chopper to the flying Norm.

“They went northbound!” Norm replied.

“Highway?” Monogram asked.

“Yes!” Norm agreed.

“Northbound, highway,” Monogram said, slipping back inside.

Peter finger-spelled “Out of town.”

“You’re right!” Heinz said. “They must be looking for a way out of Danville to avoid traffic and unexpected property damage!”

Perry tapped his chin before asking what the last gas station before you left the city on the highway was.

“Brilliant!” Heinz cheered as Peter dialed into the GPS for gas stations…again.

.o.o.o.

“We should probably stay on the eighty until it meets the…the sixty one?” Phineas mused, trying to read the travel map, which had torn a bit in some of the scuffles to rapidly refit the van.

“Yeah, sixty one looks right,” Mystery agreed. “That’s near Walter’s Creek. Bunch of caves around there. Worst case scenario, you drop me in one of those and claim I ran off or something.”

“We can’t leave you!” Phineas said.

“Uh, I am really not sure I like a bunch of kids getting chased by crazy robots over me,” Mystery said. “Like, you are all really sweet and all, but…minors. This is very ethically weird for me. And I used to be evil.”

“But it was an enigmatic evil,” Ferb argued.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Mystery asked before the van was suddenly slammed into on the right side, sending it off the road and down a hill, all airbags deploying to cushion the occupants.

“Remember. Maurice Johnson,” Candace instructed Mystery, who sighed and tried to right his wig as they clambered out of the van.

“Carl! Dude, what the heck!?” Monty shouted as he pulled Ferb and Vanessa out the other side.

“Didn’t you get the message, Montgomery? I’m evil,” Carl said, gesturing to the robotic bulls (presumably also confiscated by OWCA after the boys had finished with them) that had rammed the car.

“What _message_? I go to meet up with my girlfriend and her siblings to plan a party and get this?” Monty asked, gesturing to the van.

“Plan a party?” Carl asked dryly as several more robots approached the kids.

“Hey, buster! Tonight is the two year anniversary of the formation of Jeremy and the Incidentals! It’s _important_!” Candace said, before tossing an arm over Mystery’s shoulders. “Jeremy’s cousin Maurice flew in from Hawaii, for crying out loud!”

Mystery nodded silently and flashed a lazy peace sign.

“…Jeremy’s…cousin _Maurice_ ,” Carl said. “I see.”

“Yeah,” Candace said. “Anyway, we’re going to head back up to the road and hitchhike. You’re lucky it’s us and not the backup party planners. They’d be so much more trouble.”

“Backup party planners?” Carl muttered, looking baffled. “If you aren’t harboring Professor Mystery, why were you hiding in Atlantis?”

“Underwater melodies, duh,” Vanessa said. “Party soundtrack?”

“Then why did you run?” Carl demanded.

“Your robots grabbed Monty and shot at us,” Phineas said. “It was scary.”

“…And why, when they shot at you, was your van _disguised_?” Carl asked, narrowing his eyes and pulling out a tablet.

“Testing a…new device…” Phineas said, looking worried. “What’s that for?”

“Mystery’s input. Now,” Carl said, pointing right at Mystery. “You’re the only one here I don’t know. And with the children’s evasive actions that means you _must_ secretly be Professor Mystery!”

“Who’s that, brah?” Mystery asked in an awkward surfer accent. Carl frowned and gestured for his robots to grab him.

“Oh you have got to be kidding me! How can Mr. Engima not do voices?” Candace hissed.

“It’s never come up before!” Msytery whined as the robots closed in, Monty and Vanessa grabbing sticks while Ferb pulled out his wrench…only for Perry and Peter to fall out of the sky and slam feet first into two robots before leaoping into action.

Phineas pulled out a hammer and gave Candace a screwdriver, “CHARGE!”

While Peter and Perry broke and restrained robots, the kids worked on disassembling and distracting them. Mystery managed to hit one with a rock, before Carl rushed him with the tablet and started chasing him in circles around the van as Heinz and Monogram landed the helicopter and Norm landed on a metal bull, squashing it.

“I see you think you’re safe! But you’re not!” Carl yelled.

“Freeze, Coconut!” Heinz said, before scowling at his invention. “Oh, schnitzel, I forgot to make it able to turn!”

“You built a swivel blaster that doesn’t swivel? Typical!” Monogram groaned before ripping off his uniform to reveal a unitard and leaping into the fray.

“Does he always have that under there?” Phineas asked Monty.

“Oh, I hope not,” Monty muttered, braining a robot-Stacy.

“Gotcha!” Carl yelled, snagging the back of Mystery’s shirt and pulling him in. “You’re mine!”

A blast from the sky shook the ground, vaporizing two robots.

“Ha! Told you I called for reinforcements!” Candace laughed.

“Seriously, what is that?” Carl asked. “A spaceship?”

A loudspeaker descended from the pink and white ship. “Meep! Meep- _meep_ -meep meeeeeep!”

“It’s Meap!” Phineas said. “Go Candace!”

The loudspeaker fizzed for a second, before, “Sorry, forgot the translator. Step _away_ from the saviors of my planet or I will use serious force!”

“You heard the alien!” Candace warned Carl. “Back off!”

“You have _got_ to be kidding me,” Carl said.

“Be glad I didn’t call in the Martians!” Candace said, shaking her fist.

“Do you just get the number of everyone we deal with?” Vanessa asked.

“Your mom always says keeping contacts is useful. _And it was_ ,” Candace yelled at Carl.

“It would be even weirder if Mitch showed up,” Phineas said.

“I texted him too, and he said while he’d love to ensure he is the only one who can destroy Isabella’s friends, he’s nowhere near within range,” Candace said.

“Of course you actually tried Mitch,” Vanessa sighed.

“I tried almost everyone, okay?” Candace asked. “…Baljeet’s Uncle Gustavo said he’s making giant rubber band slingshots and bungees if we need them.”

“Whoa,” Phineas said. “…Can he hang onto those? I’m getting some ideas…”

“I’ll text him later,” Candace said.

“No matter!” Carl said. “Because before that laser ever hits me I’ll be able to—ow!”

He yelped as Mystery kneed him between the legs and bolted yelling, “NOW!”

Perry and Peter slammed the robots fighting them into each other and lunged for Carl, dragging him upright and holding him still.

“Gotcha, Coconut!” Heinz declared, firing on Carl as Meap’s ship landed and shot the rest of the robots with rainbow beams that shorted them all out. “Aw yeah! I _like_ this whole alien backup thing!”

“Whoa!” Carl gasped, slumping after the beam hit him. “Whoa. What a…oh my gosh! I am so, so sorry!”

Peter smiled wearily, patting Carl on the head while Perry went to check on the kids.

“Yeesh,” Mystery muttered. “What even was that about?”

“Peter locked all of OWCA’s files so Carl could only access them with your official handprint,” Monogram explained.

“Wait, handprint?” Mystery laughed. “This is about my handprint? Ha-ha-hahaha!”

“…I’m sorry, why is this funny?” Monogram asked.

“You people think I gave you my _real_ handprint! Bwa-ha-haha!” Mystery laughed. “Oh, oh that’s good!”

Peter and Carl gaped while Monogram made a gesture as though he was imagining throttling Mystery.

Peter slapped Mystery on the shoulder to get his attention and said that he’d _seen_ Mystery put in his handprint.

“Clear 3D printed glove that modified the print,” Mystery said. “Sorry. I’m me. _Sorry_! Ha!”

“Wait, so we didn’t have to do _any_ of this?” Candace demanded as Peter sighed and rubbed his temples.

“Or we should have found and protected that glove instead,” Ferb said.

“Ferb, we had missiles shot at us! _Missiles_!” Candace said.

“You shot missiles at my kids?” Heinz snapped, grabbing Carl by the collar. “I don’t care if you’re not evil anymore, you are _so_ in for it!”

“Yeah, I totally went to far with that,” Carl agreed.

Heinz scowled and put him down. “There’s going to be an inator with your name on it, Coconut. Just you _wait_.”

“Again, probably had that coming,” Carl agreed, rubbing his shoulder awkwardly.

“Stop agreeing with me!” Heinz shouted.

“But you’re _right_!” Carl said. Perry sighed and patted Heinz on the shoulder.

Peter signed that everyone had been really worried about Mystery.

“Well you didn’t tell me what it was about!” Mystery laughed.

Peter threatened to tell everyone Mystery’s _real_ first name.

“Wait, you know?” Monogram asked.

“Don’t you _dare_!” Mystery squawked.

Peter smirked.

“No, no, nonono,” Mystery said quickly. “You will _not_!”

“…That’s his weakness. Really?” Heinz groaned.

Perry signed that maybe Mystery’s love of mystery was a little _too_ much of a thing.

“Dude needs therapy,” Heinz agreed.

“Oh, _you_ of all people do not get to say that,” Mystery huffed.

“Do you see _me_ screaming in terror at people knowing my name?” Heinz asked. “And my name is _Doofenshmirtz_.”

Mystery whipped out a photo of a shellfish platter. Heinz screamed and leaped into Perry’s arms. Vanessa scowled and stormed over, snatching the photo and ripping it.

“That was my secret weapon!” Mystery whined.

“…Secret. Weapon,” Vanessa said dryly as she pocketed the shreds. Mystery withered under her unimpressed stare.

“Oh, she’s good,” Monty said to Candace.

“She really is quite intimidating,” Meap agreed.

“Seriously, Meap, thanks for the backup. This was a really big issue,” Candace said.

“Of course! You are my eternal comrade in busting evildoers! Excluding your uncle’s boyfriend,” Meap said.

“Aw, thanks!” Candace said, hugging Meap. He happily hugged her back.

“You’re going to be terrifying if you ever go evil,” Major Monogram told her.

“Dad!” Monty groaned.

“Son, she has aliens on speed dial. Aliens with lasers!” Monogram said.

“She just wants to be a lawyer, dad,” Monty sighed.

“Oh. Good. Not our brand of evil, then,” Monogram mused.

“You’re embarrassing me in front of my friends and girlfirend!” Monty said. His eyes widened. "Shoot." 

“…Did he not hear the whole ‘busting evildoers’ thing?” Meap asked.

“He hears nothing but what he wants to hear,” Candace replied.

“That’s an understatement,” Monty muttered.

“You know son, I’m a little disappointed you didn’t tell me you were dating the daughter of an evil scientist,” Monogram said. “And so, so _proud_ you kept it a secret for this long. You’re going to do great in OWCA!”

“…I’m so grounded?” Monty checked.

“For two weeks!” Monogram agreed, embracing him with a big smile.

“I have no idea how your good guys organization even functions, Candace,” Meap said. “I can see why you’re not interested in joining.”

“Yeah, I’ll find a different way to bust evil,” Candace agreed.

“So he chased you in your own mechanical shark?” Heinz asked Ferb, who was showing him and Perry photos of the day’s exploits on his phone. “Wow. You kids went all out.”

“Well, we do think of Professor Mystery as a friend. He did help us with the Football X-7 stadium. And had ice cream with us in Canada,” Phineas said. “So we wanted to help him.”

“Also while we don’t know much about it, OWCA getting overthrown by a suddenly-evil intern would probably get in the way of several of our summer plans for next year,” Ferb added.

“Can’t argue with that logic!” Heinz agreed. “I really need to put clarifications for underage construction permits on my to-do list when I take over the Tri-State area too, thanks for reminding me…”

Heinz pulled a notepad out of his lab coat and flipped to his “To Do After Takeover” list to make the note.

“So…crisis averted?” Mystery asked Monogram.

“It looks like it,” Monogram agreed. “We’ll send you kids some certificates for helping…maybe patches for the Fireside Girls…”

“Buford and Baljeet are going to need you to pay them back,” Phineas said. “They put all their curse-breaking money into this.”

“Here’s our billing center,” Carl said, passing Phineas some business cards.

“Oh, thanks!” Phineas said. “So, uh…how do we get home?”

Everyone looked at the broken van, broken robots, and single chopper…with a broken blade thanks to a missed shot from Meap.

“…I’ll call some taxis,” Candace sighed, pulling out her phone.

**Author's Note:**

> Whew, finally got this monster done!


End file.
